Letting Go

Riley sure does keep us on a roller coaster ride...especially when it comes to sleeping through the night. He'll go a couple weeks sleeping beautifully, anywhere from 8-10 hours, without waking up. We love those times! Then he'll go a couple of weeks waking up every 45 minutes to an hour, just wanting to nurse himself back to sleep. This is, obviously, very tiring on both me and Chris. Last night, for example, Riley slept from about 10pm to 1:15am, then he woke up to be nursed to sleep. I brought him into bed and we both fell asleep, he woke up again at 2:00am, then again at 3:15, and finally at 4am I decided I just couldn't take it anymore. My nipples were sore, my back was aching, and I knew half the reason he was waking up was because he can't toss and turn in bed with us like he does in his own bed. So, we tried turning on a mobile/light show with music, he was quiet for about 15 minutes, but didn't fall asleep, then Chris tried walking him asleep...nope...then we tried letting him watch his favorite tv show (it has lots of music and it often puts him to sleep)...no luck...so finally, at 5am, I sat up, nursed him, he fell asleep within 10 minutes and I was actually able to put him back in his bed/co-sleeper. He slept until 8am, I brought him into bed to nurse again (Chris was up so there was more room in bed), and we slept until 9:30am, when I woke us up realizing I was going to be late for work.
See, Riley still sleeps in our room, downstairs, in a co-sleeper right next to our bed, so when he does wake up (which on good weeks isn't until 6:30 or so in the morning), I can just bring him into bed with me for the last hour or so that we sleep. Yes, he does have a perfectly wonderful crib upstairs in HIS room, which he has never slept a night in (a couple of naps here and there, though). I know we should put him up there and up until now I had convinced myself that it was good for him to be near us to provide him security and comfort, that his room is just so far away and for me to have to hike upstairs when he wakes up would be even more tiring that having him in bed with me, that I would wake up even more often that I do now, wondering if he was okay since I couldn't just lean over and check on him like I have for almost 8 months.
But the reality is, I am not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let go of having him in our room, of snuggling up to him in the morning, of our 'wake up call' of smiles and giggles, of being able to reach over and feel that he is still breathing. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do it, for the most part, but I still believe it is the rational decision to make. UGH! This is hard. I do wish his room was downstairs, closer, I don't think it would be QUITE as hard on me, but I can't change my floor plan, or buy another house, so I just need to make the decision and be strong. (easier said than done.)
Until I can pull myself together and be strong, I guess I'll just keep hoping and praying for the 'good weeks' when we all get a good night's sleep.

Song in my head: 'Backyardigans' theme song from Nick, Jr.