I'm not saying that it's wrong for people say or ask these things, we all do it, what else are we supposed to say? It's understandable and by no means do I resent these phrases, it's just an observation I've made over the last month. I've said them before, many times, and I guess until now I never really thought about what the answer really meant.
People also like to tell you, "If there is anything I can do, just let me know". This is very generous and I know it comes from the heart, but what can we say except, "Thank you, I really appreciate that." When in reality what we feel is, "Not unless you can bring my dad/husband/son/etc. back."
Although we are able to move on with our lives...to laugh, to have fun, to work...we constantly feel the loss, the grief, and the pain. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to actually be 'okay' again, and honestly, feeling the grief is a way to hang on to Daddy right now, so I don't want to lose the pain. I guess I'm not ready to let him go, even if I am ready to move on with other parts of my life.
My mother just bought me a book on losing a father and one of the 'excerpts' really hit home, so I wanted to share it.
"I do not feel that I'm betraying him for laughing, for loving, for becoming whole again.
"It is because of him that I've come through the grief as a person stronger, more courageous, and less superficial than ever before.
"It is because of his wit, his warmth, his intelligence, and his unique mind that I can move forward, looking back in love.
"It is because of him that my children had a strong memory of a grandfather who was very much involved in their world.
"It is because of him that I now can look back with the warm thoughts and tender feelings of a life that was a gift to me." - Anonymous
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4 comments:
Heather-Your words are so true, yet as you said we all do it. So I would like to say... I know that it hurts like the worst hurt ever to loose a parent. I will also tell you that even now (13 years after my mom died) I still miss her and think of her daily. I still can cry about her at the drop of a hat. So don't expect this to go away soon. I still yearn for her to still be with me. I hope you can find some comforts in knowing that your dad will always be with you in some way, just pay attention.
That sounds like a really good book; it sums up the feelings well and is so true.
It is ok to admit that you are still struggling with your feelings of loss; it is understandable and expected. Those of us who care about you won't mind one bit if we ask you how you are doing and you say- 'crappy' or 'it sucks.' I still say it when I think about losing M, it does suck and I won't ever be 'over it' 100%.
The passing of time does help; eventually it will be your memories alone that tie you to him rather than the grief. I am sure that is how they would have wanted it, you know?
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." ~From a headstone in Ireland
I lost my older brother when I was 12. I (and my family) did not do the best job of expressing our grief. Basically, we bottled it. It took me a long time to be able to discuss his death or explain to people why I have 4 brothers and they only count 3 without tearing up. It is coming up on 18 years this Oct. and I still miss him. It takes one step at a time and one day at a time. Expressing your grief is very necessary and helps you and your family to heal. Be honest with others and tell them how you feel. Each day will be different than the next. He is with you always.
I am one of those people that just never knows the right thing to say. Thanks for sharing that. What a beautiful picture of two VERY beautiful people!!
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